WAGwatch

The World Cup was the final straw for WAGwatch. Granted, we raised a cheer as Sven finally buggered off, but we just can’t be arsed relying on overpaid footballers for entertainment anymore, not after their overpaid Wives And Girlfriends emerged from the boutiques of Baden Baden as the more dominant force. It was hard not to snigger as Becks, reading a statement written by Brooklyn, tearfully handed in the England captain’s armband and inadvertently sealed his departure from the Three Lions team. Tellingly though, his Mrs isn't about to follow him out of the national set up. Posh isn’t going to relinquish her throne just because Goldenballs is past it.

So here’s the deal. WAGwatch is the Premier League of WAGs, keeping tabs on the big hitters and laughing mercilessly at those sinking faster than Michael Owen’s career. The scoring system is currently less reliable that the Italian Serie A, but ranges from –50 points for being caught shopping in Primark to +50 for shagging Pele. The rest we’ll make up as we go along.

Crucially though, we'll need you. Spotted a WAG? It's your duty to let us know, whether it be Colleen down the chippy collecting Wayne's breakfast or some tart letting Crouchy robo-dance his way into her knickers in a club. Grass roots WAGs are what it's all about too - has the Chairman's Mrs been doing the rounds of the MK Dons dressing room? Get us told!

28 August 2006 - The season kicks off, Posh and Chelsea both get hammered and Crouch's ex won't give up the ghost...

So we're out of the blocks, and despite the aformentioned Becks' career hanging in the balance, grand-high WAG Posh is off to a flyer. Last Thursday saw her grace the cover of every tabloid after she staggered out of a London casino at the tail end of a marathon binge. Not the old version of Snickers, either, by all accounts it was a proper booze up. OK, so six hours wasn't exactly a Gazza-esque bender, but she deserves some credit and a few points on the board for a solid start. We didn't know she had it in her. Add to that the fact that she’s launched her own perfume, so people will actually be paying to smell like her, and Posh is off to a near perfect start.

Try as we might, we can't quite write off her hubby yet either. Reports today suggest Real Madrid are ready to offer him a contract in excess of 200 grand a week, and although their insistence that the deal is because of 'footballing reasons' is obviously bollocks, it confirms he's still the game's most profitable player. The pair will be flogging engine oil in Japan for at least another season then, and while such sell outs will see her drop points in this league, with a few trillion yen to spend in the shops Tokyo we don't imagine Posh really gives a shit.

Posh-in-waiting Colleeeen McLoughlin has also enjoyed a productive few weeks, claiming the ASDA campaign for herself after supermarket bosses decided Wayne’s mug would scare off customers and advised him to stick to what he does best. Although she’s yet to secure her own fragrance, Colleeeen looks set to take the step up from young prodigy to the WAG elite during the new campaign. She’s got a few major steps to take yet though, so keep a keen eye out for the following over the next 12 months:

• 'Fairytale' wedding
• Baby, possibly named ‘Kirby’, ‘Crosby’ or if conceived during a mid-season break abroad, ‘Kavos’
• Single released in time for Christmas number one

She has mastered the art of the condescending address to the public however, warning potential WAGs that they ‘can look amazing on a budget’ just a few weeks after blowing 190,000 quid on a brand new Aston Martin for Shrek.

An opening predicted by few saw Chelski suffer on a miserable night down by the Riverside. The champions looked glum as Mark Viduka knocked in Boro’s injury time winner, but it’ll take more than a deflected strike by a tubby Australian to get Andriy Shevchenko down at this stage of the campaign. He’s escaped the sinking ship of AC Milan, he knocked in his first Premiership goal on Teeside and he’s got this to go home to. Kristen Pazik is yet to join the ranks of the mainstream WAGs, but we hope to seeing a lot more of her this season. We also expect the emergence of Spanish born Elen “Lampard” Rives, who the tabloids will be blaming when they resurrect their annual ‘Fat Frank to Barcelona’ stories.

Clinging on to the coat-tails of the big guns is ex-Mrs Crouch Abigail Clancy. After a rapid rise to fame during the World Cup, the blonde scouser blew it when pictures of her stuffing her nostrils with Charlie surfaced and the lanky striker ditched her. She’s nothing if not determined though, and was pictured this week arm in arm with Crouchy after they shared a spag bol in a Manchester restaurant. The Liverpool man’s publicist rubbished claims they were back together as ‘a pack of lies’, but Abi knows any coverage is good coverage and the front page of The Mirror gets scores her points with us.

Sticking with The Mirror and blonde scousers, we ‘go shopping’ with Alex Curran, girlfriend of Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard. Her own column’s a good start, but sponsored by Superdrug? (insert your own Abigail Clancy gag here.) A major disappointment from a WAG with the potential to become a household name, but it’d be unfair to expect more from someone who shares her life with a man boasting even less charisma than Sven.

It’s been an appalling few weeks for on-off gunner Ashley Cole and his WAG Cheryl Tweedy. After writing off the Gooners Cole has seen his move to Chelski evaporate before his eyes, leaving him to eat humble pie on the training ground, while Cheryl has been shunted out of the picture in favour of bandmate Nadine Coyle for The Sun's coverage of a Girls Aloud festival appearance last week.

Mel ‘Theo’ Slade is yet to feature much, but despite doing sod all she’s a bigger name than most of the WAGs who’ve paid their dues out of the limelight. She’s picked up a few points on her potential alone.